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Understanding the positive intention behind self-hate and self-pity is key to unlocking self-forgiveness and breaking the cycle of negativity.
The Innocence Behind Self-Hate & Self-Pity
Josh was 11 years old.
His father requested that he paints the fence around the house.
He vaguely explained the work to him and went back inside to watch TV.
Josh got to work.
After a while, his father came out to check how Josh was doing.
“Oh my God,” he expressed his disappointment “hurry up with this!”
Josh concluded he had to do the work faster.
“Okay,” Josh said to himself “I’ll do it faster then.”
Father went back in the house and Josh got to work.
In a few minutes, the father came out again to check on him.
”Now it looks like shit.” he said to Josh “do it properly.”
He went back inside.
Josh slowed down:
“Okay, I guess Dad wants quality then.”
He tried to paint the fence “properly” - to satisfy his father.
A few minutes later, his father came out for the third time.
Again, he showed irritation and disappointment.
“Hurry up, we don’t have all day for this!” he said to Josh and left.
Josh got anxious and wondered:
”Well, if I do it fast, it’s not precise enough. If I do it precisely, it’s not fast enough. This is impossible!”
He came to his father and asked for help.
”Don’t you ask stupid questions, Jesus Christ, go and do it the way I told you!!!”
Josh went back to the fence.
Confused.
He tried again.
He tried to do it fast, but he already knew he'd fail. He tried to do it well, but he also knew he'd fail.
He thought about asking his Dad, he knew he'd fail.
"What am I supposed to do?!" he thought...
His thoughts were racing and anxiety was growing.
At some point, he started to feel Guilt:
"I'm doing something wrong."
Quite soon, shame joined in:
"What's wrong with me?"
His anxiety was growing.
After a few minutes, he got overwhelmed and couldn’t do anything.
But he still knew he had to finish it.
But how?
Eventually, Josh had a panic attack and experienced a mental collapse.
Both of these were a solution to the situation he found himself:
A Double-Bind Situation.
The Relief Function of Self-Hate & Self-Pity
Gregory Bateson called this situation Double-Bind or No-Win situation:
”Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, damned if you point it out.”
Bateson proposed that a sensitive child who’s repeatedly exposed to Double-Bind situations will develop schizophrenia as a defense mechanism to cope with this environment.
The essential hypothesis of the double bind theory is that the ‘victim’—the person who becomes psychotically unwell—finds him or herself in a communicational matrix, in which messages contradict each other, the contradiction is not able to be communicated on and the unwell person is not able to leave the field of interaction
Carlos Sluzki later proposed that Double-Bind situation is a Universal Pathogenic Situation, responsible for the development of hysteria, phobias, and obsessive-compulsive behavior patterns.
In my opinion, Self-Hate, Self-Pity & the collapse of the nervous system IS among the "solutions" to the Double-Bind situation (or psychosis in extreme cases).
It's by far not the perfect solution. But it's the best option given the resources available to the person in the Double-Bind situation.
Josh’s story is the simplest demonstration of that.
“I paint it fast - it’s not good enough.
I paint it well - it’s not good enough.
I ask about how to do it - it’s not good enough.”
Yet, when asked for help, his father creates the impression that it’s the easiest thing in the world:
”Don’t you ask stupid questions, Jesus Christ,” he lashes out at Josh ” Go and do it the way I told you!”
Josh, very naturally, feels shame, and fear, but also anger at the whole thing.
He craves to solve the problem - just like any child would in a similar situation - but he’s confused to the core.
He wants to resolve his confusion, fueled by all the feelings - so he thinks.
And he thinks HARD.
But the harder he thinks, the more he’s confused.
The more he’s confused, the more he feels anger, fear, and shame, and he hates it all.
And the more he hates it all the harder he wants to solve it and harder he thinks. And…with every failed attempt to figure it out, he slips deeper into despair hating himself for his incompetence.
Eventually, the entire nervous system gets overwhelmed and Josh collapses.
“What’s wrong with me?
I can never do this right.
I don’t have what it takes.
It’s not the task, it’s me.
What’s wrong with me?
I’m not good enough.
I hate myself!
I will never do anything right!”
Sounds familiar?
Self-Hate & Self-pity.
His nervous breakdown helped him escape his increasing effort for the impossible - guaranteed failure.
At age 11, it’s enough to experience this a couple of times, and the pattern is established.
But even in abusive relationships in people's 30s - it doesn't take much repetitions to establish this pattern.
Either way, Self-Pity and nervous system collapse will be the path to RELIEF from guaranteed failure.
It will be disempowering as fu*k, but it will FEEL good.
It will FEEL BETTER than the mixture of fear, shame, anger, confusion, overthinking, and overwhelm.
That’s why even though it’s incredibly self-destructive, it’s still a RELIEF from something worse. And in that, lies its positive intention.
Getting out of the Double-Bind Pattern
Now, pursuing goals and facing challenges is part of life for every human being.
And this inevitably comes with a healthy dose of of fear of failure.
Ultimately, everyone faces the fear of failure.
But, with this pattern, even a minor fear of failure will trigger an automatic reaction of crippling self-pity and weakness of an entire nervous system on autopilot - because it strongly resembles the guaranteed failure from the Double-Bind situation.
It becomes an addiction.
A crippling addiction to self-hate, self-pity, and a nervous system weakness.
Addiction to resolve minor emotional tensions with mental & physical breakdown instead of handling them and dealing with them proactively.
I know this, because I experienced it.
When I was stuck in this pattern, I thought there is something gravely wrong with me. For me, it was existential. I thought I was irreversibly broken and there’s nothing that can be done about that. No matter how hard I tried to figure it out, I could never solve it.
I thought my reactions of self-pity and a nervous breakdown were a consequence of me being a "faulty piece" - just like Josh.
And I had a few of them...
But once I understood how the brain operates in the Double-Bind situation, I could see myself in a new way.
There was nothing wrong with me, my self-hate and self-pity was just a conditioned pattern. It was an appropriate reaction to the circumstances I was in the past that I got addicted to.
So…
No matter how much self-hate, self-pity, emotional weakness, and even fear of failure you’re experiencing, there’s NOTHING wrong with you. There’s NOTHING wrong with you whatsoever. There never was. You’re okay exactly the way you are, you’ve always been and there’s nothing you can do about it.
You’re a beautiful Soul, a unique human being with a unique Purpose in this World.
Therefore, Honor yourself and your Self-Pity and recognize the value it had for you when serving you in an unexpected way.
At some point, it was a solution to a problem.
You did the best you could with the resources available.
And for that reason, you can now forgive yourself.
And slowly, start letting it go.
Are you a Man struggling with high Emotional Sensitivity and low Self-Worth? I've been there. Understanding the Double-Bind pattern is important for self-forgiveness, but having a clear strategy to build Natural Masculine Confidence is crucial. I wrote a free e-book with case studies, examples, strategies, and the in-depth understanding you need to fully recover your Leadership Authority as a Man. Download it here for free.
Since the information in this article touches some serious topics, I think it's important to write this too: The information in this article represents the personal views of the author and serves for educational purposes only. It does not replace medical advice. If you're experiencing serious mental health issues, and are possibly worried of psychosis or self-harm, contact your mental health professional immediately. Reaching out for help when you need it is an act of self-love.